no.07

My left shoulder still hurts from the ATV accident, and my hip pops from the impact on my leg when I blew my knee out. I have a knee brace that I wear. I played sports my whole life and tore both ACLs, so a lot of things hurt. It’s not the jail’s fault that I have these injuries, but it’s their job to help correct the problems when I’m asking for help. Also, the combination of the steel beds and garbage mats we sleep on sucks for my back. I have asked the officers if I can get two mats and they say it has to be cleared by medical. Then I write medical and never hear back. It’s something you learn to live with because you have no other choice. And I hate filing grievances. I shouldn’t even have to go through all that. It doesn’t matter what it is, they always say it’s invalid. It’s my medical condition﹣how is that invalid? You should be seen by a medical provider before they make a judgment on that. They’re not doctors and they haven’t seen my medical records or anything! How can they say whether it’s invalid? It’s pointless. 

I got off my Hep-C meds three months ago and then medical was supposed to do bloodwork to check my liver levels and see if I’m still positive for it. For months, I kept asking and they blew me off. They finally did the bloodwork last month when I had an appointment for something else because I asked about it. But I haven’t heard anything since because they don’t tell you the results of that kind of shit. I only even got the Hep-C medication because I was diagnosed in a treatment program that was part of the jail. The jail won’t order it for you once you’re here because each box costs $5,500, and that only lasts one week. I also have asthma and it’s harder to breathe on cold, crisp days and hot, humid days. I was first diagnosed when I was 5; I’m actually allergic to Christmas trees, and one gave me an asthma attack and I had to spend a month in the hospital. Pine needles make me break out in hives! There’s no air circulation on my pod, so I get dried out and wake up with a sore throat. It’s freezing in here and the cold triggers my asthma. It seems like it’s colder in our cells than it is outside. I can’t breathe out of my nose half the time. There are no words to describe not being able to breathe. I panic so much. I don’t want to die from not being able to breathe. 

My life gets even more fucked up being here. I’m taking meds for PTSD because I was having nightmares, flashbacks, and night sweats. Back in February, someone on my pod hung himself. He had been talking outside my door 45 minutes earlier. It blew my mind. One minute he was fine, talking and laughing; the next minute, he was dead. I kept having nightmares about that. I’ve always told myself I didn’t want to die in jail. Medical worked on him for 45 minutes but couldn’t bring him back. Then they closed the cell door and left. Later, someone came to take pictures, and then they closed the door again. He was in his cell dead from 1 to 8pm before the coroner came. They passed out dinner trays while this dude was laying in his cell dead. I watched them carry him down the steps in a body bag. Not being able to get one-on-one counseling to try to work through that, it’s hard to do. If I hadn’t been in jail, I never would have witnessed shit like that or been on these meds.